Mentoring Magic

by Carol J. Carter

The following article appeared in the Spring 2002 issue of The Key, Kappa Kappa Gamma's national magazine for its sorority members.

The term mentor has its roots in ancient Greek literature. In Homer's The Odyssey, Mentor is the name of a loyal adviser of Odysseus entrusted with the care and education of Odysseus' son. Therefore, according to Random House Webster's Unabridged Dictionary, the word mentor means a wise and trusted counselor or teacher.

In my experience with helping people with college and career planning, I have seen mentors change lives in amazing ways. Even before I began a career in mentoring others, I saw first-hand the power of mentoring through my experience in Kappa Kappa Gamma. I can tell countless stories of how I and other Kappas have benefited from the mentoring process. In fact, the mentoring skills learned as undergraduate members allow us to reach out to nonmembers on our campuses and in our communities.

Take Lisette Perez, for example, who says, "I couldn't have come into my own as a confidant woman without the influence of mentors." At 33, Lisette decided to re-invent herself after a tragedy turned her world upside down. I watched in amazement as a Kappa friend of mine, Cynthia Nordberg, helped Lisette successfully transform her life.

When asked why she seeks out mentoring opportunities, Cynthia says, "As a Kappa, I've been given the tools to mentor young women like Lisette. From my first day as an initiated member, I've received valuable advice and support from Kappas on all kinds of issues. So it comes natural for me to pass along that same encouragement to other women."

Before meeting Cynthia, Lisette didn't have supportive relationships with other women. Consequently, cultural influences defined her family role. Certain family members held to the notion that only boys need an education and a career. Girls were to remain at home with their parents until they married. Lisette's mother told her if she tried to move out on her own, without a husband, that the family would disown her. As a result, she never explored her potential. "I didn't even know anyone who talked about such things," says Lisette. Every decision I made hinged on my parent's approval." But a tragic event was about to change all that.

On a warm summer evening in 1998, Lisette's younger brother was shot and killed in front of their house by a gang member. "As a family, we were lost," says Lisette. "No one knew how to grieve, including me." Riveted by the brevity of life, a new thought began to germinate: "What should I do with the rest of my life?" Lisette wondered.

Instinctively, she knew she had to break from family tradition. Against all odds, Lisette plunged into the unknown by moving into her own apartment. Next, she enrolled at a local community college. Meanwhile, her mother fulfilled her ugly promise: The family refused to have any contact with Lisette. Three months later, Lisette fell into the dark hole of classic depression and failed her classes. At the suggestion of a friend, she scheduled an appointment with a counselor who specialized in grief therapy.

After several sessions, the depression began to lift, but Lisette still felt lost. "I was ill-equipped to handle life on my own, and I didn't know how to keep up with the reading assignments in my college courses," she reveals. "I was completely overwhelmed." Then, Lisette's counselor suggested the key to unlocking her potential: a mentor. He knew his colleague, Cynthia Nordberg, had a passion for helping women succeed.

Lisette didn't know what mentoring was, but as she listened to the counselor explain his idea, a wave of understanding swept over her. "I started to cry," Lisette says. "They were tears of relief. He described exactly what I needed." Lisette's counselor introduced her to Cynthia and they began a mentoring journey.

The Power of Mentoring

Over the next year, Lisette and Cynthia met every Thursday for lunch. As they talked, Cynthia discovered that Lisette's greatest challenge was a lack of purpose or direction. So together, they began to investigate career options. Lisette completed an interest inventory that revealed an aptitude for science. After more research, Lisette decided that she wanted to be a nurse, and she began taking the prerequisite courses toward a nursing degree. "I feel proud to be the first woman in my family to attend college," she says triumphantly.

Cynthia affirmed Lisette's strengths, which were organizational and interpersonal communication skills. She showed Lisette how to create a daily schedule based on priorities, such as school and work. And, she introduced her to colleagues in the field of nursing. In addition, Cynthia coached her on study skills. Above all, Cynthia gave Lisette empathy. "Some of our first meetings were spent looking at pictures of my brother," whispers Lisette. "I needed someone to walk through the grieving process with me, and my mentor was willing to do that."

You may be blessed enough to come from a family where you haven't experienced hardships like Lisette's. If, however, you have gone through your own set of challenges, I hope you will gain courage from her story, realizing that you too can find help and encouragement through a mentor.

If you're currently in a position to take someone under your wing to mentor, you'll be amazed at the rewards. Thankfully, I have had the privilege of being mentored and mentoring others. In fact, I have coached one of my Kappa sisters in the field of writing and publishing, and we continue to work together on a variety of projects. We feel incredibly fortunate to be friends and colleagues. She is a mother of two boys, and I expect that when I have kids, she'll mentor me on how to be a great mom.

 

Mentoring Basics

For many of us, our mentoring experiences began in childhood. For example, Anna Freud, whose theories advanced the work of her famous father, Sigmund, said, "I didn't go to college, but I had a wonderful father." As I look back, there were a few key players starting with my parents, my older brother, my Kappa "pledge mom," and a humanities instructor. One thing is for sure: I couldn't have made it through the maze of life on my own. No one can. We need the presence of caring, experienced people to lead the way.

Research shows that adults who are mentored advance professionally and enjoy a boost in their self-esteem (as do their mentors). Mentoring is a special kind of caring, supportive partnership based on mutual respect. The primary quality that distinguishes mentoring from other kinds of relationships is that mentoring is goal-oriented. By liberally applying their knowledge and expertise, mentors help proteges define and meet their goals. However, mentoring is more than strategy and technique. Our best mentors are those who genuinely care about us. Mentoring involves the heart as well as the head.

Your friends can be your mentors if they have expertise in an area that is not your strength. My Kappa "pledge mom," Leigh Talmage-Perez, Arizona, still one of my best friends, is also my financial mentor. She gives me advice and asks me the important questions about how I want to spend and save money in the short and long term. Leigh, who was a vice president for a New York City financial company, is now president of her own fund of financial investments in the Philippines where she lives with her husband.

How to Find a Mentor or Protégé

Perhaps the most difficult part about locating a mentor is finding the right match. But, like a good marriage, the ideal partner doesn't have to be a perfect person; you just need a reasonable level of compatibility. Here are three key qualities to look for in your mentor:

• First, you want someone who is encouraging and motivating to you.
  
• Second, you want someone who is a recognized expert in her field or who has successfully accomplished goals similar to yours.
  
• Third, a mentor must have a passion for helping you succeed. Some companies, for example, have mentoring programs to introduce new employees to the corporate culture or to train inexperienced employees technical skills. Don't wait to be working for a company to find a mentor, though. Having a teacher, guide, coach and role model at any time can be invaluable.

As a Kappa, you already have a built-in network of potential mentors and protégés. For instance, one of your older chapter sisters or alumnae would be a big help if you need guidance mastering one of your subjects or searching for the right career path. Other avenues include professional associations, community organizations and colleagues at work. If you are not having any luck, try launching your mentor or protégé search by using the same skills you use to find a job - word of mouth. Tell people what you're looking for. Reach out; state your intention and watch who shows up to help you or to learn from you.

 

The Four A's of Mentoring

What can a mentor do for you? Well, that depends on your need or desire. According to the National Mentoring Partnership, most of what a mentor provides falls into four areas:

• Advice: Mentors can offer advice to help you evaluate your options and make better decisions.
• Access: Your mentor can give you access to a new world of ideas and experiences. They can include you in their network of friends and colleagues, which may eventually lead to the job or vocation of your dreams. They can write letters of recommendation for you or introduce you to an influential person in your area of interest.
• Advocacy: Depending on your relationship, your mentor can also be an advocate. That is, your mentor can speak up for you in important situations, such as breaking the cycle of domestic violence. Women who are victims of abuse need support and encouragement to end a destructive relationship or receive marriage counseling. Your mentor may also be an advocate by nominating you for appropriate awards and/or leadership positions on campus or in your community/workplace.
• Accountability: Mentors can help you stay true to your goals by holding you accountable. They can check and evaluate your work, giving you feedback on your progress.

 

Five Tips for Getting the Most Out of Mentoring

Mentoring is shaped foremost by the needs of the protégé. But what you get out of mentoring depends on the quality of the relationship. So, strive for open communication and mutual respect by following these guidelines.

1. Set ground rules. Confidentiality is of paramount importance. Agree that your meetings will be held in confidence. You also need to agree on a schedule. Some people prefer to meet the same day each week or month; others prefer a flexible schedule. It is also a good idea to discuss when the mentorship should end -- usually when the goals are achieved or when the time commitment has been honored.
   
   Confidentiality is of paramount importance. Agree that your meetings will be held in confidence. You also need to agree on a schedule. Some people prefer to meet the same day each week or month; others prefer a flexible schedule. It is also a good idea to discuss when the mentorship should end -- usually when the goals are achieved or when the time commitment has been honored.
   
   
2. Identify a measurable goal. The goal can be personal or professional. What about your life do you want to improve or accomplish? Think about how your mentor can help you meet that goal. It can be a personal goal, such as improved physical health. Let's say you want to become a published writer. You could write a short essay and show it to your mentor for feedback.
   
   
3. Maintain a teachable attitude. Some protégés resist being taught because it puts them in a subordinate role. They may let their egos get in the way by trying to impress the mentor with their knowledge or ability. Relax and enjoy the fact that you're the student. Remember, one day you may have an opportunity to pass on what you've learned from your mentor with someone else.
   
   
4. Put into effect immediately what you are learning. It's easy to forget information that you aren't going to use right away. So apply what you learn. Go beyond what your mentor expects of you by tracking your attempts to put her suggestions into practice. Do your homework to make the sessions profitable.
   
   
5. Show appreciation. When you see you're making progress, write your mentor a note of thanks. Or give a thoughtful gift, such as a picture of the two of you. Ask crucial questions that prove you've been thinking between sessions. Your progress is your mentor's highest reward.

 

The Magic of Mentoring

Today, Lisette's life is in full bloom. This year she will graduate with a nursing degree, and she has been accepted at a bilingual Spanish-English master's program to practice community nursing in a third-world Latin country. Perhaps even more remarkable, Lisette's two younger sisters also have enrolled in college. Her example has given them the courage to expand their worlds.

That's the magic of mentoring: It multiplies. Every time a woman is empowered to succeed, that success is likely to reproduce itself in the lives of other women. Mentoring is an opportunity for each one of us to set an example for those who follow in our footsteps. As Kappas, our actions teach others about our organization, whether we realize it or not. We must continue to ensure that those around us see the leadership and sisterhood upon which Kappa Kappa Gamma was founded.

As protégés, we gratefully receive the gift of mentoring and produce a harvest of success. As mentors, we cast our seeds of knowledge and expertise onto fertile hearts and minds ready to receive them. In the process, our lives flourish with meaning and purpose. Indeed, few things are more magical than that.