What happens to you as a parent when your kid is experiencing anger, shame, sadness, or some other very uncomfortable emotional experience?  What is the impact on you, and what is your reaction?

Our capacity to help children when they are entrenched in uncomfortable emotions is directly related to our own capacity to deal with those feelings within ourselves.  For example, if our own vulnerability with feelings like sadness or shame is something that we don’t want to face – and don’t face fully – we’ll inevitably react from our own issues rather then being fully present and able to support the child with theirs.  We’ll fall into unconscious emotional “survival patterns” we developed long ago to protect ourselves — to some degree we’ll get defensive, controlling, aggressive, or we’ll shut down or get emotionally checked out… becoming less present with them and their immediate needs in that moment.

Until we become more integrated with the unresolved parts that we still operate from, it will impact the quality of support we offer.  If we are to help them learn how to process their feelings effectively, we too must know how to do this and teach them by our own embodied and experiential knowing of how.  We can use those moments where we get emotionally triggered as the opportunity we need to catch any righteous rationale and intellect we might justify our constricted reactions to them with — and instead focus our attention and energy towards dealing with the unresolved energies that are arising to get met and processed.  This is the only way that I am aware of that allows parents or any other human beings to develop the opennes and receptivity to connect to kids more deeply and support them more effectively.

If we don’t look more honestly at ourselves:

• We’ll not support kids in dealing with their issues in the most connected and helpful of ways.
• We may unconsciously (or consciously) shame kids for having those feelings or issues - which creates a whole other world of deeper issues for them.
• We may make these kids feel closed to using us as a resource to help them with their struggles.
• We may model poor ways of dealing with our own feelings and conflicts - and your kids will pick up on that example.
• We’ll be less emotionally available - which is often perceived by kids as something is wrong with them or their feelings, or that they are not lovable or important. Such common but misguided perceptions are foundational in developing unhealthy and painful core beliefs about ourselves, as well as the beliefs of how we “need” to act in all of our intimate relationships in order to be safe or get loved.

The Outcome

If we commit to work on becoming more grounded, healed and present:

• We’ll see how kids truly give us the medicine we need by showing us what unhealed parts we need to face.
• We won’t pass on our less enlightened ways of dealing with our issues, AND we’ll change the historically unconscious patterns and wounding that have been passed down through generations.
• We’ll be able to more deeply and gently honor and support children in relating to and processing the natural feelings and behaviors that arise in the human experience.  This is why this work truly is part of a paradigm shift in raising more conscious human beings.
• We’ll increase our emotional bandwidth to deal with a wider range of feelings within ourselves so we become less triggered and more present with our kids’ emotional outbursts.

Your Practice

1. Humbly look at where you constrict when your child is having a specific desire, struggle or outburst.
2. Be gentle with yourself - you’ve had a lifetime of conditioning based in the perception that you needed to react certain ways to stabilize yourself – which are old patterns that don’t necessarily apply anymore.
3. Don’t let your issue with your kid’s behavior take the focus off of being responsible with your own reactivity.  Look at where you can take ownership of your excessive or misplaced emotional response and take the time to process that on your own.  In the heat of the moment, do your best to get grounded.
4. Take space for you and breath into your feelings, literally, where you feel them in your body.  There is nothing to fix, understand or analyze.  Feel the feelings, letting go of thought over and over, returning focus to your in-breath.  Feel how the emotions are held in your body and breathe into them.  Take a few minutes to do this.  If you do this daily for few minutes, you’ll quickly begin to understand that you are simply aligning yourself with the natural intelligence we all have to metabolize undigested emotional energies. This process will not only ground and calm you, but it can be a big part in healing old wounds that you’ve carried since childhood.
5. Get support – we have too many blind spots to do this stuff alone.

• Talk to someone who is skilled and sensitive enough to help you easily and quickly see how your unresolved issues arise in your parenting – even a few sessions can make a enormous difference.   Contact me if you want some names of the truly amazing people I’d recommend.

• Read some books that may help you open more to your human experience.  Here are a few great ones:

- The Untethered Soul – Michael Singer

- The Wisdom of No Escape – Pema Chodron

- The Parent’s Tao Te Ching - William Martin

- Where Ever You Go, There You Are – Jon Kabat-Zinn

- The Places That Scare You – Pema Chodron

• Join parenting groups that address this kind of thing. You can contact me about the groups that I’m running – local and via teleseminar, or about groups that others are running that I think are awesome and transformational.

“We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.”
- Anais Nin

A big part of why “it takes a village to raise a child” is because it is too easy for parents without support to get exhausted and overwhelmed.  And these days, most parents simply don’t have or don’t call in the support of such community.  With children, and especially with multiple children or children with special needs, it’s easy to put so much energy into serving them that your own needs as an individual human being get pushed aside and ignored — leaving you depleted and disconnected from yourself, or having a relationship with your partner that becomes depleted or disconnected as well.  Kids pick up on your energy virtually all the time – they are certainly impacted by those moment where you are just getting it done… and doing so with a lack of openness, kindness or presence.  

Happy Cinco de Mayo:  A day of celebration in parts of the U.S. and in sections of Mexico, especially the State of Puebla.  From strife comes joy as Cinco de Mayo celebrates the victory of the Mexican militia over the French army at The Battle of Puebla in 1862.

Perhaps many of us didn’t know what Cinco de Mayo represented before now, but we celebrate together with our brothers and sisters from Mexico.

I love any reason to celebrate and especially love to teach my kids about different traditions and celebrations from around the world and the history behind them.  Celebrations bring families and friends together with laughter and festivities – erasing all of the worries of life, for now.  When things are challenging, a day of merriment is a welcomed respite.  It’s a wonderful lesson for our kids that we can find a balance between work and play, worry and being carefree, seriousness and a downright good time.

What victories can you and your family celebrate this Cinco de Mayo?  Perhaps each member of your family can identify his or her own victory over a fear or a challenge in recent memory.  Why not let Cinco de Mayo give you an excuse to recognize and pay tribute to all of you as you showed strength in one or more of life’s many perplexing trials.  Everyone can celebrate a personal triumph!

Every day brings a new opportunity to learn something new, to challenge yourself and to reinforce your values.

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

The biggest trap that most parents fall into is assuming that they understand their child’s perception of a given situation.  Whether they deduce it from certain comments their kid makes, by specific observations of their kid’s behavior, or even by projecting how “they would feel if they were them,” they are literally making up a story about their kid’s inner world.  If the story sounds reasonable to those parents, they are even less likely to seek a more direct understanding with their kid.  The lack of understanding born from making assumptions is only half of the issue – the other part of the issue arises out of parenting ineffectively from fabricated interpretation of their kids thoughts, feelings, and motives.  Instead of assuming how your kids sees themselves, use curiosity to seek deeper connection and understanding.

Happy Arbor Day!  Today is a day to celebrate, plant and care for trees.  What a wonderful honor for something we might take for granted much of the time.  Trees offer such beauty and majesty, not to mention welcomed shade on a hot day, delicious fruit and so much more.  How often do we stop to say “thank you”?

As parents, we have to be like trees sometimes.  I often tell my clients to be “a redwood in a storm”.  When our kids are having tantrums or struggling, if we start having a tantrum, too, we’re not helping the situation – we’re actually adding fuel to the fire.  When we stay calm, still and grounded like a tree, while our kids are spinning out of control, they are much more likely to regain control and find their center again. It’s the ultimate in modeling the behavior we wish they would have.

Our stability and predictability, like a tree, is what gives our kids comfort and a sense of security, enabling them to freely explore the world and to develop to their greatest potential.  Like a tree, our roots keep us firmly planted in the earth – reminding our kids of what is truly important in each day.  Like trees through the seasons, we also change and adapt to our environment.

There is nothing more sturdy and predictable than a tree – let’s keep those beautiful trees in mind when we aren’t sure how to handle something with our kids.  What wisdom do the trees impart to us?

• Bend, but don’t break
• Stand tall – even through the storms
• Plant your roots firmly into the earth
• Be consistent and predictable
• Offer your beauty and fruit (talents) generously

Happy Arbor Day, you beautiful trees!

Happy Volunteer Week!  Congratulations to all who give of themselves to others.  There is no group more worthy of a celebratory special week.

Our families are more disconnected from community than ever.  Families used to more commonly include extended family, grandparents, and others all under one roof.  Now, it’s rare to find more than a nuclear family in a home.  In addition, those families are busier than ever! It’s rare that kids have a day without some structured activities or just some good, old-fashioned down time.  Stress is high – money, work, money, work — and all of the other stressors in this life.  Well, I’ve found the antidote!   Something that brings a family together, brings the community together, teaches great values, feels darn good and even reduces stress.  Sounds like a wonder-drug, doesn’t it?  Actually, it’s VOLUNTEERISM!

Ask all of those people who are being honored today and they’ll attest to every one of these facts.  Volunteering just feels good.  So, how do we get the family involved?  First, figure out what you’re passionate about.  Perhaps one of your kids is passionate about animals or maybe you’re members of a church that serves the community in various ways.  Maybe your little one wants to sell lemonade on the corner – Voila! An instant fundraising opportunity for your favorite charity or animal shelter.

Kids rarely have the idea to serve others, and will sometimes complain about the prospect.  Volunteers are grown from parents who are also volunteers!  Kids learn from watching and from doing.  Many opportunities aren’t open to little ones, but there are many exceptions, and again, you can create opportunities yourself and talk about how you’re helping people who aren’t as lucky as you are.  Even just bringing lunch to a homeless person on the corner teaches your kids the spirit of giving.

Here are some more ideas of volunteering or simply serving your community:

• Clean out your cupboards and load up some bags with canned goods and pasta. Take them to the local food bank! You can even call ahead and ask what they are in need of and go to the market and buy those particular items.  Take your kids with you to drop the food off.
• As mentioned earlier, have a lemonade and cookie stand and raise money for your favorite charity.  Discuss what cause you want to work for as a family and deliver the proceeds together.
• Contribute to your local homeless shelter – they often ask for food for dinners or bag lunches.
• Clean out your old coats and donate them to the homeless in the winter months when it’s cold. Blankets, too!  Or donate water bottles in the warmer months.
• Plant flowers at your local school or church.  Donate the flowers and your time.
• If your local church or synagogue has a big event, call to see if they need any help.  Even if there isn’t a big event, perhaps they need help with a mailing or cleaning out an old storeroom.
• Send care packages to the soldiers who are away from their families for many months at a time. Have your kids draw them pictures and write them thank you notes for their service to our country.
• Come up with your own ideas as a family and follow through together.  The activities are great for your family to do together and the results are not only good for the people you give to, but you’ll all feel great, too!

“Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.”  Lao Tzu

Do something loving together and watch the love expand!

Happy Volunteer Week, everyone!

Sometimes we get stuck arguing over whose reality is “right,” and miss the windows to de-escalate the conflicts that arise.  We are deep beings, and as such, we always have an emotional component involved with any issue that arises and with every argument that ensues.   Connecting to that deeper emotional experience is the fastest way to diffuse painful energy of conflict and get to the truly sacred places of understanding, connection, and peace with  another person.  Your children, like yourself, will do their best to feel safe, in control, and empowered — and in the face of two different perspectives on an issue that likely has deeper roots than may be obvious, this can create the kind of defensive back-and-forth arguments that are infuriating dead-ends.  Truth be told, putting an end to the argument is actually incidental – it’s the natural result as deeper understanding is reached.  This week, I invite you to consider diving beneath the story – be it about homework, grades, having the car, being on time, cleaning their room, etc, and connect to what needs and feelings are behind their reactivity and position… as well as your own.

What this means is that you’ll need to loosen your grip for the time being on the position that you or your kids are fixed on, and dive deeper to address the heart of the matter – literally.  It means that you need to recognize that there are two realities at play, at least, and that proving to kids that their reality is wrong (or not as “right”) is an ineffective approach, not to mention de-validating and somewhat aggressive.  (We’ve all done that one countless times – it’s an easy trap to fall into considering how we were taught).  When you get beneath the “story” you are arguing about and begin to address these underlying needs and feelings, you’ll end up connecting to the perceptions that fueled the conflict in the first place, taking the most direct and loving route to end that conflict.  This is not to say that every issue that arises needs to be hashed out, or that it will always end in agreement – but if you must move to a more authoritative parenting stance, still make room for their inner world to be met and honored.

Putting yourself in check, first

Anytime any one of us does or says something in a way that is not loving, kind, patient, or compassionate, it is simply because we are experiencing some kind of discomfort on a deeper level - which can generally be distilled down to something that hurts or scares us.  Think of the last time you were harsh, curt, or ill-tempered to your child – what was going on with you in that moment?  Same goes for your child when they are being harsh.  While these kinds of reactive defensive responses may be the best we can do in a certain moment, it’s important as a parent to work on this part of yourself as it is a key piece to creating the kinds of safety and vulnerability that will support your conversation.  It is one of the more challenging things about parenting – to accept that your own reactivity is yours to deal with and not project that onto your kids.  Because many kids (just like us adults) either do not feel safe exposing such vulnerability for fear of shame or judgment, or don’t live in a home where raw, truthful vulnerability is consistently modeled and honored, it seems far safer to guard their hearts with the protective strategy of anger.  It may be hard, especially for a child, to talk about the feeling they are protecting if we are clearly frustrated at them or their behavior.  We all long to be safe, met and honored for who we are in any moment, and it’s going to be up to the adults virtually all the time to create that space.  It’s also important to keep in mind that when your kids act in challenging ways – you don’t have to take their negative tone personally.  You don’t have to take it personally because any negativity is not really about you (though it is directed at you); it is about how they feel about the situation based on their own perceptions and beliefs.  That’s what your understanding of them will reveal.  Your reaction to them is simply rooted in your own triggers.  This is why kids are like spiritual medicine – they show parents the things that they still need to resolve within themselves.

Your Practice

This is about what I call “shifting the family culture” away from feelings being treated as these elusive, hidden, or shameful things… and toward the more vulnerable fact that parents are simply human beings modeling for other very young human beings how to grow up in a more integrated way with themselves in their experiences and relationships.

There are three main components to this:

– Working With Your Own Reactivity –

1. Point the finger at yourself - When you are bothered or irritated, know that your own unhealed stuff is simply coming up.  Make space, be that 10 minutes or a few breaths, to process what is arising.  Breath into those feelings where you carry them in your body.  There is nothing to fix or figure out – feel the feelings in order to process them.  Get to a more grounded place before starting a conversation that could otherwise escalate into an argument.

2. Make it a practice - Check in with yourself two or three times each day where you can be still and present – so you can get in touch with what feelings you are carrying around that dwell underneath your thoughts and reactivity.  (Write notes to remind yourself to do this, set alarms on your phone, have somebody to check in with… whatever will set you up for success with this).   The payoff is enormous – even after two weeks.

3. Get support - Be it a relationship coach, therapist, spiritual teacher, or whoever can help you unwind your reactivity.  The idea of doing this alone is an old idea of past generations that we need to let go of – it just doesn’t make sense to stay stuck when you can get help to work through it more quickly and easily.

– Modeling –

4. Model emotional transparency - especially around feelings that are more vulnerable.  When you feel scared, afraid of rejection, not accepted… talk with your kids about how you work with those feelings.  Kids, just like us adults, will more easily talk about their fear, embarrassment, or insecurity with someone they know who will understand it and not judge them because of it.  Imagine if your parents did this for  you!  Model this often.

– Getting Underneath the Story –

5. Set your intention - Seek to understand them more deeply.  Choose connection over outcome.  Connect to the emotional or perceptual source of the position they are fixated on.  Honor the feelings that they are having.  Meet them in their frustration, anger, rebellion, sadness, anxiety, or fear with love and respect.

6. Dive toward and reflect their deeper experience - ”I get that you are angry with me… tell me more about that.”  “It sounds like this is really important to you, why is that?  What are you concerned about?”  ”You feel misunderstood?  Do I have that right?  Tell me more – help me understand.”

7. Share your feelings that are behind your choices and needs - after they feel understood and become receptive.  This may help them accept your decisions that you are making, or at least it will create more understanding, as well as model respectfully getting to the deeper currents that guide your reactions and choices.

The Outcome

• Cultivate greater emotional intelligence.
• Build a more healed and mature relationship to your own triggers.
• Teach healthier and more respectful ways to deal with conflict.
• Resolve conflict, or at least de-escalate the tension in the conflict.
• Create deeper trust and connection in the relationship.
• Create a safe place to share the vulnerabilities that are faced every single day by every single one of us.

Peace cannot be kept by force.  It can only be achieved by understanding.  
- Albert Einstein

“Optimism: a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.”

Few people naturally default to optimism and many people are actually annoyed by it.  Those who believe everything is “meant to be” or “happens for the best” can certainly drive those crazy who believe only what they can see, hear, touch, taste or smell. Frankly, most people I talk to don’t ever give optimism a thought.

Lucky for you, I think about this stuff all the time! To self-disclose, I was a mildly depressed young adult who didn’t even realize that I was depressed because I never remembered feeling anything different.  I entered therapy because it was required in my graduate program and the healthier I got the more I was able to see the contrast.  When I would feel depressed again, I had little tolerance for it because now I’d had a taste of feeling good!  Being depressed was no longer an option.  But I didn’t know how NOT to default to it.

I started myself on a strict regimen of exposure to positive things.  I listened to happy music, I read books on positive thinking, I listened in my car to cassette tapes of advanced thinkers in the fields of optimism, love, the Law of Attraction, etc… and this was quite a while ago, obviously  – before it was “in vogue”.  I wanted their positive thoughts, concepts and ideas to flow through my veins and fill me up with their happiness, positivity and optimism.  I watched funny movies, spent time with people who made me laugh and avoided those who focused on the negative in their lives.

Well, it worked, for the most part.  I do confess to the occasional negative thought spiral, but I’m armed with so many tools those spirals are shot down before they can take hold of anything.

Why do I share this story with you?  To tell you that optimism can be learned, taught and adopted as a way of thinking.  It’s not a temperament that we are either born with or not.  It’s a choice!  Like any skill it requires practice, effort, falling down, frustration and eventually, MASTERY!

Here are a few tips to practice your own optimism and to teach and model optimism for your kids:

• Create affirmations about yourself, your life and your goals, worded in a positive way, then post them where you will see them many times a day.  Repeat them out loud when you see them. For example: “I am a loving friend who attracts good people to me always.” Or “Money flows to me and sticks to me in great abundance from places both expected and unexpected.”  Keep your affirmations positive and in the present tense – as if they’ve already happened.
• Manage your expectations so that you are not setting yourself up for disappointment and defeat, but rather experience an acceptance of the ups and downs that life offers with grace and deep understanding of the big picture.
• Model for your kids a hopefulness that includes a belief that the challenges in your life are only temporary and a trust that things will be better tomorrow.  Nothing is permanent and this too shall pass.
• Show respect and compassion in all of your relationships.  Model for your kids a compassion for others; trust that others are doing the best they can and a belief in bringing out the best in everyone.  When your relationships are loving and not judgmental, your kids learn to see and expect the best from others and from themselves.  That doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to be walked on, but rather know setting respectful boundaries and releasing unhealthy relationships models kindness and self-respect.
• Face your challenges with a sense of adventure and curiosity, not avoidance or fear.  Give your kids many opportunities to problem-solve and work out their own challenges as well.  Don’t rob them of the chances to feel successful and proud of themselves by navigating through rough terrain.  If you step in and rescue them from discomfort, how will they ever learn to go from discomfort to victory?  Be strong by sitting back and letting them struggle a bit – like the butterfly who must struggle in order to fly.

Teaching and modeling optimism is truly the greatest gift you can give your kids.  It’s a gift that gives back for a lifetime filled with joy, fulfillment, resilience and true happiness.  I wish that for everyone!!!

Parenting consistently involves tending to so many issues that it is easy to equate “Parenting” with “Doing” – and this is a trap.  It often gets many parents so immersed in a default mode of getting things done and meeting objectives that it skips over the actual connection they can have with their kids in that moment – which will make everything much easier… and even much more efficient.  In fact, the vast majority of issues that arise can be traced back to a lack of presence (and the insight, understanding and connection that such presence creates) on the part of the parents.  Ideally, parenting involves more “being” – which is to say being present enough with yourselves that you can be more present with your kids on a deeper, more essential heart level.  And when the time comes to “do” what you must, you can first, as Step One, be present enough with them to allow the connection that you both want.  This is a call to parent from a state of “being” that is in greater balance with all the “doing”.

In workshops and small groups that I facilitate, I often ask parents how present they feel on a scale of 0-to-10 in that exact moment.  It tends to average out to about a “5.5″.  After we do a quick exercise to check in about what they are actually feeling, needing and noticing in the moment, and taking a some deep breaths into the feelings they are carrying in their bodies, pretty much everyone bumps their number up 2 to 4 points.  And it only takes a minute or two.  The question for you is:  On a scale of 0 to 10, how present are you, usually, when you talk to your kids  - whether it’s about something important or not? 

You can jump into talking about a homework assignment or some problem they have, for example, without connection or with connection – the difference may be taking 60 seconds to feel into what you are feeling in that moment, taking a few breaths with that experience, then opening yourself up to feel more deeply into your child’s experience.  Remember that every single thing that arises between you and your kids can be an opportunity to deepen your connection with them… IF you choose to slow down for a few moments and open to the possibility of a deeper relationship.  

Your Practice

1. Check in with yourself 3 times each day for 60 seconds – to simply become more present with yourself.  That’s where it all begins.

• Finding 3 separate times: Perhaps before getting into or out of the car, before you brush your teeth, before you get into or out of bed, or before you greet your child.
• Stop, close your eyes, then notice: 1. How your body physically feels   2. The kinds of thoughts that are passing through your mind   3. And most importantly (because it’s the deepest of your truths), how you feel emotionally.  Notice where you hold those feelings in your body.  Then follow your breath into them, simply to feel the feeling (there is nothing to understand, fix, heal, figure out or be all spiritual about – simply be with your experience.  This will quickly help you to become more integrated with yourself – and it will get easier the more you do it).

2. Before you talk to your kids, get in touch with your curiosity about their inner world.  In other words, begin to shift your focus towards deeper connection.

3. Check in with them - ask them how they are doing, how they feel, what they think, what they need - anything deeper then simply jumping into doing the task at hand.

The Outcome

• Creating greater understanding, compassion and connection
• Getting to the core of issues and obstacles more quickly and easily
• Giving them the experience of feeling more honored by you
• Supporting the cultivation of critical thinking and emotional intelligence
• Modeling self-awareness and self-care
• Developing mutual feelings of being connected and supported, rather then isolated

So much of how we act and react is born from a deep calling for safety, love and connection.  And it is only our deeper connection with ourselves that allows for a deeper connection with others. 

On March 25, 1965, Martin Luther King, Jr. led 25,000 marchers to the state capitol in Alabama to protest the denial of voting rights for black people.  For many of those marching, that day may have been the first time they stood up for themselves and used their voices and the first time anyone said to them, “You’re worthy of better”.  There was great strength, confidence and hope that day.

I get a lot of calls from parents asking me:

“Why is my child so defiant?”

“Why does he fight me on everything?”

As parents, it is our job to teach kids where the limits are, but not to squash their ability to test those limits.  That’s their spark, the fire in their belly and the life force of who they are.  Strong-willed kids are harder to raise, but aren’t they better equipped for some aspects of adulthood?  They already possess an inner strength that many people only wish they had!

“I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.” Voltaire

How do we honor our children’s protests?

The above quote is a great way of looking at how to handle our children’s defiance.  I don’t want kids to stop testing, nor should they stop trying to assert their autonomy.  It is our job to teach them how to be appropriate for their age and how to express themselves respectfully.  It is also our job to reinforce our values daily, but it is their job to tell us that they don’t like it when we say “no”.  I wouldn’t want it any other way, would you?

The key is to respectfully hear our kids out, and then to make a decision with the adult understanding of what we are hoping to teach them.  Sometimes, we might even say, “Hmmm…you’re right. I hadn’t thought of it that way. Let’s do it your way.”

Our children need to feel they have a voice, but they can only have a voice if we truly listen to them. Listening to them doesn’t mean giving in to them, it simply means respecting them enough to give them a chance to have a say.

When we honor our children’s thoughts, opinions, and protests (within reason) we teach them that they are of value, that we care and that we respect them.  The truth is, sometimes they’re right!  If they learn that when they are young, imagine how they might change the world when they’re  older!